My mom and dad are going through a major life change, which in turn has my family and me going through it with them. That’s what happens when you live life in a family. What affects one will affect all, but I think that is the way God designed it.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (ESV) says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him⸺a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
This passage of scripture is a popular wedding scripture for many valid reasons. During my health crisis and eight-month stay in the hospital, my husband truly exhibited what it means to lay down your life for another. Fortunately, he has a job that allows him to work remotely and a kind, understanding boss. So for eight months, he worked from my hospital room.
We live in a small town, so the hospital I was in was about an hour or more from our home. On the nights he could spend the night with me, he did. But in the hospital rooms where he was not allowed to stay overnight, he did the commute. My daughter stepped up in our home and took care of my son, taking time from her job to get him to and from school. I may have been the one hospitalized, but my illness affected our entire family.
I met and married my husband at the age of forty-six. He fulfilled a long-awaited promise of God to me. Because I married later in life, I am very close with my parents. My mom was always my sounding board and the first person I called when something amazing happened or when I was struggling. My dad, too, was always there when I needed help with “adulting”. Cars, insurance, taxes – he was always there to help.
My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease while I was in the hospital. After I finally was able to come home, I realized my dad was nearing the end of being able to care for my mom on his own. So my husband and I offered for my mom to be placed in a memory care facility in our small town, and my dad to move in with us. He accepted, and it has been the best decision for everyone involved.
So recently, we had the task of selling Mom and Dad’s house and packing up all their belongings. Sorting through all their things that represented their life together, and of course, so many memories of my childhood were bittersweet. And the truly odd thing about doing that was that my mom would always be the one to do those things. She was well organized and able to get things done. It was strange packing her things without having her there to help me and make those decisions with me.
I have been told that the truly tough thing about Alzheimer’s disease is that you lose them twice. You lose them when the disease takes hold, and you lose them when they pass away. I feel that right now. I have lost “her,” but she is still here. I still very much look forward to my visits with her, but because of her mental state, she is not the same person who shares core memories with me. It is difficult to say the least.
I love my mom, and I will always love my mom, and I will definitely visit her and pray for her and pray for healing as long as God sees fit to keep her here on this earth. Although our relationship has dramatically changed, I will not leave her during her most vulnerable time here on earth. I was not abandoned during my time in the hospital. I had my family rallying around me to take care of me, but I also had friends praying for me, checking with my husband to see how I was doing, and a church praying for me. Every prayer, every text and phone call, every comment on Facebook means so much to me. I felt I had an army fighting around me when I couldn’t fight for myself.
And I think that is why I feel the Ecclesiastes passage goes far beyond marriage. God has us in community for a reason. We are not meant to do life alone.
In John 13:34, Jesus is speaking with His disciples. He knows that He is about to journey to the cross, and He gives His disciples some thoughts and instructions. He says (The Passion Translation), “So I give you now a new commandment: Love each other just as much as I have loved you.” Jesus was aware that His time on earth was coming to an end. He tells His disciples to love each other as He is about to demonstrate the ultimate sacrifice.
Community is not always easy. It can be messy and hurtful. But we are simply not designed to do life alone. I encourage you today to ask the Lord who your community is. If you don’t feel you have one, ask the Lord to bring you one. Because I married later in life, I experienced times of intense loneliness, but those were the times God showed Himself faithful as I cried out to Him. I also had to trust the Lord as I stepped out in faith and made myself available to other people.
Trust the Lord to bring you people to walk with, and if need be, have the faith to step out and make yourself available to whatever community the Lord would like to place you in. Being vulnerable can be difficult, but it can also be very rewarding.